FV308: The Secret of Malain
by Fifth Voyager
Summary: Two members of an awayteam are kidnapped by a ruthless ex drone in the first of the Monkey Island parodies saga.


The Secret of Malain

**D****isclaimer**  
(See also O, FV & KT Disclaimers)  
This episode is a parody/skit of the computer game The Secret of Monkey Island. This episode is a 'fun' episode and should not be taken seriously. If you have played the game in question then you may get more of the jokes

**Episode Synopsis**  
Craig, Nikki, Lisa, Harry and Evil C goto a planet which is regularly visited by ex Tolg drones 

**Guest Stars**  
Marill  
Raichu  
Vulpix  
Togepi  
Clive Martin  
Earl Boen 

**Written By**  
Marill & Raichu

**Written**  
31st August & 1st September 2002

**Episode Based In**  
July 2378

Marill, Raichu, Vulpix and Togepi were all sitting in directors chairs in a medium sized room. Inside was a rather large TV screen, Marill's computer and some guy stuffing his face with a hotdog.

"And then everything kinda went back to normal in the last ep," Marill said.

"Uh huh, then what?" Raichu asked.

"Then it's this episode, obviously," Marill replied.

"No it isn't, because of September 11th the previous episode wont be released until after Dark Mirror," Vulpix pointed out.

"Shut up, when most people read this episode it'll be months, maybe years after now," Marill said.

"That makes sense, I think," Raichu muttered.

"Gee, Togepi's being awfully quiet," Vulpix said.

All the girls glanced at Togepi, she was reading a magazine. "Uh huh, I agree with what was just said."

Vulpix snatched the magazine off Togepi. "Will you pay attention, this is an important... hey this is the Buffy mag." She then started reading it.

"Lets get on with the episode, Raichu do the honours," Marill said.

"Ok, here goes," Raichu said. She went over to the guy eating a hotdog, he's a slow eater isn't he? "You, start the program."

"What program?" the guy asked with a mouthful of hotdog.

"The credits animation, you idiot!" Raichu snapped.

"Er, Raichu we don't have any credits animation. We tried that before and it didn't work out," Marill said.

"I know, but in honour of my return I've made a new credits animation," Raichu said.

"Ohno, we're not putting it in the storyfile, or anywhere! You know that most people can't or don't watch them," Marill said.

"Just trust me, this is a different credits animation... it's more written text than anything," Raichu said.

"But wasn't the original credits like that?" Vulpix asked.

"Yes but that's not what I meant.. oh never mind. I'll just show you," Raichu said. She fiddled with the computer, and then the CD Player. "You, connect it to the TV."

The guy with the hotdog, well he now had a burger, shuffled over to the TV with a wire and he plugged it into the back. Suddenly the back of the TV blew up!

"This is going to be a long day," Raichu muttered.

**Five ****hours later**  
**Secret of Malain Credits Animation, Take 256:**  
"Oh never mind, we'll just watch the animation on the computer's monitor!" Raichu moaned.

The guy, who was black everywhere (except his teeth, they were yellow), headed away, this time scoffing some chips. "Fine, all that work for nothing."

The girls gathered around the computer, well all except Togepi, she was reading her magazine. "And now, it's time for Fifth Voyager, Season 3, Episode 8... Secret of.." Raichu said.

"Yeh, we know.. get to the point!" Vulpix groaned.

After a few attempts to get Windows Media Player 7 playing, without stuttering, the animation was finally started. Somebody pressed play on the CD Player, as predicted the Secret of Monkey Island theme music came on.

Vulpix and Marill fell to the ground when they saw the beginning, Raichu didn't notice. All it was was a picture of a planet. Some Paint Shop Pro lighting effects came up beside the planet too suddenly, once it was up it looked like a sun shining on it.

The episode title in a dull font came up, then disappeared again. Then came the credits. At the same time, a picture of Voyager was literally jumping very small steps across the picture. Marill and Vulpix looked rather bored, they glanced over at Raichu who was looking too proud for her own good.

Since there wasn't that much credits, most of the writing stayed up for a long time. The 'Animation By: Raichu' stayed up longer than the others. Finally the animation finished with Voyager finally getting to the left side of the picture.

"I thought you said it was mostly text!" Vulpix grumbled.

"I wanted to surprise you. What do you think?" Raichu asked.

"Hmm, tasty," Togepi muttered as she drooled over a Star Trek magazine, most likely a picture of Tom.

"Thanks Togepi," Raichu said. She obviously had no idea that Togepi was talking about some thing or person in the mag.

"It's rubbish, it's worse than my old animations, and that's hard to beat," Marill said.

"Thanks, it is great isn't it. We'll have to play it again to properly start the episode," Raichu said.

"Ohno we wont, girls grab her!" Vulpix yelled out. She jumped onto Raichu, Marill just stood and watched, Togepi read her magazine. "Hey, help me out here!"

Marill shrugged and walked away. Togepi finally put her magazine down, then she followed Marill, "where's the nearest Woolworths, I need some Cherry Coke."

**A planet ****called**** er... M****el****l****y, that'll do**  
Harry, Craig, Lisa, Nikki and Evil C rematerilised on a high hill, on a rather small island. It was rather dark, you could barely see a thing.

"Any idea why we've come to this planet?" Lisa asked. All she got for an answer was "nope", "who cares" and a few shrugs from the group.

"The real question we should be asking is how long until Lucas Arts decide to sue the writers?" Harry asked in a bored tone of voice.

"Not soon enough, lets see what they have in store for us today," Craig said.

The group sighed and they headed towards a small path. After a few minutes of walking they all reached the path down the hill. There was a small fire, and an old guy was standing at the edge of the hill.

Craig stepped forward. "Hi," he said loudly.

The guy jumped a mile, he walked over to the group. "Don't scare me like that young man, last time someone did that I fell down the cliff."

"Erm... I'm Lisa, it was him that spoke," Lisa muttered. The guy who was standing in front of Lisa, turned to Evil C instead.

"Nice to meet you Lisa," the guy said.

"Um, are you blind or what?" Craig asked.

"Why yes, I've been blind for years," the guy replied.

"Ok, that's better than my original theory," Lisa said.

"Well erm, I'm Craig Anderson.." Craig said.

"Who?" the guy asked loudly.

"Anderson, Craig Anderson!" Craig replied loudly.

"Yeah, he wants to be a pirate," Harry said.

"Hey, no I don't," Craig said.

"A pirate ey? You look more like a reject from some pop band," the guy said.

"Hey, that's not true.. wait a minute, I thought you were blind," Craig said.

The guy looked nervous. "Well you see... erm, oh dear. Well the thing about that is. Look behind you a three headed monkey!" the guy yelled. Everyone looked behind them, then the old guy jumped off the side of the hill.

"Note to self, don't fall for that again," Craig said.

"Lets go... idiot," Harry muttered. He started to head down the hill, the others followed.

The screen faded out, Raichu's dull font came on the screen again. Oh and some more Monkey Island music started playing  
**PART I: The Three ****Annoyances; Lisa's ex, a talking dog and an advertisement**

The gang reached the bottom of the hill, the path lead to a bridge across deep waters. Just across the bridge was what looked like a pub. Craig headed towards it but Harry grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Where are you going?" Harry asked.

"Well a clue to what this episode's about might be in there, plus I wouldn't mind a pint," Craig replied.

"Neither would I," Evil C said.

"Yeah, pub time," Lisa said, she rushed towards the pub. Craig and Evil C quickly followed. Harry and Nikki were far behind them.

The pub was filled with a load of drunks, all of them were dressed up in pirate outfits. Some Monkey Island music was playing again in the background.

"Great, just great," Harry muttered.

Craig started to head forward, but some guy fell from above and landed on top of him. The guy drunkenly pulled himself up, he went over to another guy. "I'll do that again."

"Don't you think you've had enough sir," the guy said.

"No, spin me!" the first guy yelled.

The second guy pressed a button, the fan on the ceiling lowered. The first guy jumped onto it, while it was still spinning. Then it went back upto the ceiling.

"This place is strange," Nikki said to finally get a line.

"I think we'd better do some investigating," Harry said.

The group split up. Harry went over to a fat looking pirate guy. Evil C went over to a weird guy with a small beard. Nikki went over to some guy with a glass eye. Craig went to the more quiet side of the pub. Lisa just wandered around, she caught sight of something so she went over to it.

"What a cute dog," she cooed. She knelt down in front of the dog.

"I'm not a dog stupid female. I am an Awoofe," the dog said.

"Er.. cute," Lisa muttered.

"This thing you call an episode is full of dangers, don't be fooled by the 'this is a fun episode' remark. Beware of Captain Buck," the Awoofe said.

"Captain Buck, nice name, did you make that up?" Lisa asked.

"No you bimbo, god, leave me alone and get a haircut," the Awoofe replied.

Meanwhile Evil C was getting on really well with one of the pirates.

"Aye," the pirate said.

"Would you stop saying that," Evil C said.

"Aye," the pirate said.

"Fair enough," Evil C said.

Meanwhile over at Harry's table. "It's one of those stupid stories that are too insane to believe," the fat pirate said.

"Don't worry about that, I deal with stories like that every episode," Harry said.

"Well go and ask Izaca over there, he takes the story very seriously," the fat pirate said.

Meanwhile Nikki was talking to this Izaca guy. "Why does your left pupil not move?" she asked him.

"Well one day you could be innocently putting a contact lens in, the next you get the thing stuck in your eyeball. All you need is a blundering idiot that thinks pulling the lens out is the best treatment. This is a glass eye you see," Izaca said.

"It's very nice, can you take it out so I can see it?" Nikki asked. Harry came over.

"Maybe later. What can you tell us about this Captain Buck?" Harry asked.

The guy screamed like a sissy girl and hid under the table. "Who sent you?"

"Captain Janeway, she sent us down here for god only knows why," Harry replied.

The guy stuck his head out into view. "That's the one from Voyager right?"

"Er yes," Harry replied.

The guy slowly went back to his chair. "An evil woman she is, she released a curse upon us."

"Uh she did?" Harry asked.

"That ship passed this planet years ago, several crewmembers died and were sent out into space. The Tolg assimilated them, one of them was Captain Buck," Izaca replied.

"What is his real name?" Nikki asked.

"Legend has it his real name is Buck Rogers," Izaca replied.

Lisa picked up a glass just so she could drop it to the ground in shock. "Buck Rogers! Oh god, I used to date him."

"Why am I not surprised," Harry muttered.

"So Buck got assimilated by the Tolg, why is he considered a curse?" Nikki asked.

"You see, several Tolg got disconnected from the Tolg several years ago. They were all corrupted by evil from being in the collective for so long, so they started to terrorise this planet. This island in particular," Izaca replied.

"Lisa, what was Buck like when you dated him?" Harry asked.

Lisa came over to the table. "Well the only thing I remember is that I dumped him because he wanted to commit. I told him to drop dead, and he did the following week. He was one of those killable red-shirts."

"When was that?" Nikki asked.

"Around Season 2, six or so years ago," Lisa replied.

Meanwhile Craig was talking to three fancier looking pirates. "How do I make a girl like me?"

"Become a pirate, she'll fall for you in a second," the one in red said.

"You answered all my questions with 'become a pirate', but this is the best one yet," Craig said.

"Aye.. chicks like the tough guys," the one in blue said.

"But she's a tough kind of girl," Craig said.

"Even better, tough girls don't want wusses. Some do just to make them look even more tough, but they're rare," the one in red said.

"If all else fails, just get drunk with us," the one in green said. The three guys started laughing.

"So er how do I become one?" Craig asked.

"You have to go through, the three trials," the one in red said.

"Ohno, it isn't one of those things where you have to solve millions of puzzles to perform the three trials," the one in blue said.

"Aye it is, but it's not so bad once you work it out," the one in yellow said.

Harry, Lisa and Nikki came over to Craig. "Well I think we've found out what the episode's all about," Harry said.

"Yeah, I have to become a pirate to win Lena over," Craig said.

Harry and Lisa struggled to maintain a straight face, while Nikki looked serious as always.

"I'm warning you, if you say that again I may choke on my own laughter," Lisa said.

"I'm serious, three easy trials and then I'll finally get Lena's attention," Craig said.

"This I gotta see," Harry sniggered. Lisa burst out laughing.

Craig tried to ignore them both, he turned back to the three pirates. "What are the three trials?"

"Number one is Treasure Hunting. Just find us a treasure, that's all there is to it. Number two, Stealing. After finding a treasure, you have to steal one for us. Number three is Sword Fighting. Just beat the Swords Master," the one in red said.

"Ookay, we've heard enough of that. Lets get out of here," Harry said. He headed towards the door, Lisa and Nikki followed. Craig sighed, then he followed.

"So tell me about DT," Evil C said to the guy with a DT badge on. It was the same one he was talking to earlier.

**ADVERTISEMENT begins**  
"Double Trouble? Well you see it's the second version of the sister series to this one. This time the characters are different, they're back at school, and most are failing bad. Team Rocket fans will love it, so will ordinary Pokémon fans. So read the first episode on the 17th September. I guarantee you, you wont be disappointed, unlike the last time," the guy said.  
**ADVERTISEMENT over**

"Uh, right," Evil C muttered. He got up and he followed the others out of the pub.

**Meanwhile, on a faraway planet called Malain:**  
Some bad guy music was playing as the camera zooms in on a ship that's hanging around underground lava pits. The music continues as the camera shows us the inside. A tall guy was talking to two smaller guys.

"And this is the Borg Queen," the taller guy said. He threw his wig onto the floor, and he strode across the room while trying to sway his hips. "I am the Queen, do this, do that. No, don't mutiny.. aaaarrrgghh!" the guy screeched in a girly voice. The other two guys burst out laughing.

"Oh sir, you are so funny," one guy said.

"Yes I know I am, but seriously, did that strode look natural?" the taller guy asked.

The two smaller guys laughed nervously, they glanced at each other. Both of them shrugged. They were saved by some tall guy coming in the room.

"Buck, I have news," the guy said.

"What is it, Mr Stefani?" Buck asked.

"Well sir, the Voyager re-entered orbit of Melly. They dropped off several crewmembers," Stefani replied.

"Ohno, does this mean?" Buck said questioningly.

"Yes sir... Fifth Voyager viewers saw your strode," Stefani said.

"Nooooooooooooooooo!" Buck screamed.

"Now that you mention it, it did seem a natural strode," one of the smaller guys whispered to the other.

"Voyager will pay, and I mean pay," Buck growled.

"Why don't we just take it out on the crewmembers on the planet. Rumour has it Craig, Harry, Lisa, and two unknown people are the main characters of the episode," Stefani said.

"Lisa? This is perfect, I have the perfect idea of how I can get revenge," Buck said. He started laughing evilly.

"Er, yes sir," Stefani muttered.

**PART II: Craig's worthless trials and the rest just tagging along**  
The group were walking through the small town, Craig was walking at the front.

"Do you think I should do the treasure hunting first?" Craig asked.

"No, I think you should get a brain. Don't you see, they're trying to con you. You have to bring back two treasures for them, then this Sword Master kills you off," Harry said.

"What makes you think the Sword Master will kill me?" Craig asked.

"One simple test. What's a sword?" Harry asked.

"I dunno," Craig replied.

"Nice knowing you," Harry muttered.

Craig wiped a tear from his eye, "no one's ever said that to me before." Everyone groaned.

A fat woman came out of one of the buildings. "Young people, I am the Voodoo Lady. Want to hear your fortune?"

"Isn't she the character who's completely useless in the first game?" Harry asked.

"Yep, all you do is steal from her and leave," Lisa replied.

"Ok then," Harry said. He stole something from the Voodoo Lady's pocket, then the whole gang ran away.

"No come back! I am useful, I can give you some tips. Oh, I came on too strong again," the Voodoo Lady said. She sat down on the ground with tears streaming down her face. "I'm so desperately lonely," she said.

One of the guys from across the street ran over. "Hey fatso, you just killed my pet rat!"

The Voodoo Lady stood up, sure enough she had totally squashed a rat. "I'm so sorry, I'll make it up to you. Want your fortune told?"

"So er, what did we get from the fat lady?" Evil C asked.

Harry pulled a weird rubber chicken with a pulley in it from behind his back. "I have no idea."

The gang found themselves outside what looked like a church. Nikki looked around looking confused. "Where's Craig?"

"Good question," Lisa said.

Meanwhile Craig was in a small alley, looking confused himself. "I'm sure I heard someone talking in here."

A tall guy came up behind Craig. "You know nasty things happen to people in dark alleys."

Craig jumped and he turned around. "Hey you sound familiar, has your actor played one of our killable red-shirts before?"

The guy looked nervous. "No of course not. I'm the sheriff of this island, so don't cause any bother around here."

"Er, why not?" Craig asked.

"Because I said so, punk," the Sheriff said.

"Because why?" Craig asked.

"I said because!" the Sheriff moaned, he stamped his foot like a child.

"Ok I'll cause some bother," Craig said. He started to head out of the alley. The Sheriff stopped him.

"Listen Pansy Anderson, I don't like your attitude. I'll be watching you," the Sheriff said.

"Hey, how did you know my surname?" Craig asked.

The Sheriff looked nervous. "Don't ask stupid questions, now get out of here before I get nasty."

Craig headed out of the alley and met back up with the others. The Sheriff smiled. "Pansy Anderson, man I'm good."

**Meanwhile on ****the Enterprise**  
Everything was quiet, a little too quiet. Everyone was sitting or standing around their posts doing nothing.

"I'm bored!" Triah moaned for the sixtieth time.

"Yes we know you are!" Lena yelled.

"When is something going to happen?" Triah asked.

"I don't know, I'm not a seeing into future person," Lena replied angrily.

Everyone went quiet again.

"Er, Lena?" James said nervously as he came onto the Bridge from the Ready Room.

"Oh what!" Lena asked.

"I did it again," James said quietly.

Lena slapped her forehead. "Oh for crying out loud, I'm not cleaning it up again!" James went back into the Ready Room, Lena followed him.

Nearly everyone on the Bridge glanced around with confused looks on their faces.

"Did what again?" Triah asked.

Everyone looked towards Jessie at Tactical. She didn't notice, she was too busy staring into space chewing on a strand of hair. She looked around and saw everyone staring at her. "What?"

Triah looked ped off. "What's James done bad recently?"

Jessie shrugged, she pulled out a PADD. "You'll have to be more specific."

Triah rolled her eyes, "forget it."

"Oh for god's sake, how many times are you going to do this!" Lena's voice yelled.

"It wasn't my fault, it was an accident!" James' voice yelled.

"You can't of done that by accident! You could of waited!" Lena's voice yelled.

"This is getting rather disturbing," Triah muttered.

Noisy Tom finally stopped being possessed by Quiet Tom and perked up. "What kind of disturbing?"

"Oh great," Triah muttered.

"Waited for what exactly? I just had to let it out!" James' voice yelled.

Tom and Triah glanced Jessie's way again. Once again she was staring into space. Tom waved at her to get her attention. "What now?"

"What the hell are Lena and James arguing about? I'm getting rather worried here," Tom asked.

"They're arguing?" Jessie said questioningly.

Triah and Tom both rolled their eyes in unison.

**Meanwhile in the Ready Room:**  
Don't worry readers, they weren't arguing about what you thought they were arguing about. Oh wait, I'm not a mind reader, god knows what you were thinking.

Lena and James were arguing nearby a smashed computer. Yes that's it, bet you didn't see that one coming.

"Oh you had to let it out. What did the computer do to you this time?" Lena asked.

"Well I tried out the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire game, and it kept asking me, is that your final answer. Do you know how irritating that is?" James replied.

"Not really, no. I've never played on it! Now will you clean up the mess, or do I have to do it again!" Lena yelled.

**Melly:**  
The away team were all wandering around a strange creepy forest. They found two signs nearby a painted X on the ground.

"Wasn't that a little too easy?" Lisa said questioningly.

"Nah, we'd better get digging," Craig said.

Everyone glanced at him, they all raised their eyebrows. "We?" they all said in unison.

"I'll share the treasure with you," Craig pleaded.

"Money's no object in this century," Harry said.

"Ok, I'll do some of your shifts," Craig pleaded.

"Oh please, I don't even do any shifts," Evil C said.

"Ok blackmail it is," Craig said.

Everyone looked nervous, they all picked up shovels that were conveniently lying around and started digging. Craig joined in with a smug look on his face.

The camera moved to show footage of the forest, interesting huh?

**A FEW HOURS PASS:**  
The camera focused on the digging site. Craig was still digging, this time with a pied off look on his face. Lisa was sitting nearby filing her nails, Nikki was working with a few PADDs, Harry and Evil C were talking about nothing in particular. The camera moved again.

**A FEW ****MORE ****HOURS PASS:**  
The camera focused on the digging site. Craig was still digging, still with a pied off look on his face. Lisa and Harry were teaching Nikki how to skip, don't ask where they got the skipping rope from. Evil C was trying to untie the ropes that were tied around his wrists.

Craig's shovel hit something hard. "Hey, I've found something!" He pulled out a wooden box.

Harry and Lisa dropped the rope, Nikki stopped dead, Evil C struggled to stand up with his hands tied. "What's there, is it gold?" Lisa asked.

"Can someone untie me?" Evil C asked. Nikki went over and untied him. Then everyone rushed over to the box, pushing Craig out of the way. Lisa opened the box. Nikki grinned and she took something out of the box, it was a really small t-shirt.

"Finally, something my size!" Nikki grinned.

"Is that all?" Craig moaned as he looked inside the box.

"Yep, you'd better put the dirt back," Harry said.

Craig groaned, he picked his shovel back up. The camera moved again.

**A FEW ****MORE ****HOURS PASS:**  
The camera focused on the digging site again. Craig was slowly turning insane as he was pushing dirt into the hole. This time Harry and Evil C were tying Nikki up, with her brand new t-shirt on of course. Lisa was investigating a tree stump with a hole in it. She looked through a hole. Instead of the expected darkness, she saw what looked like a catacomb network. One of her ear rings fell out, not long afterwards Harry pulled her head out of the hole.

"There's a catacomb network down there, I lost my ear ring," Lisa moaned.

Harry glanced around, he nodded his head. "Ok, why don't you go and check that bush over there. You just might find an Egyptian Pyramid in there."

The camera moved out again.

**A FEW ****MORE ****HOURS PASS:**  
The camera came back to the digging site once again. Everyone was standing nearby Craig as he finished putting the dirt back. Lisa sniggered, then she burst out laughing. The others turned to her.

"What are you laughing at?" Craig asked looking rather irritated.

"I knew that you were pied off, but this is ridiculous," Lisa sniggered. She pointed at the paint that used to resemble an X, it was now a P.

"Bad joke, Lisa," Harry muttered. Lisa shrugged.

Nikki looked confused, "I don't get it."

Everyone groaned. "It's a letter P, some people say peed off cos it's the tamer version of saying pied off," Lisa said. Nikki still looked confused. "Oh forget it."

"Come on, I've got to do this sword fighting thing," Craig said.

"How the hell are you going to do it? You don't even know what a sword is?" Evil C asked.

"It's some kind of insult isn't it," Craig replied. Everyone rolled their eyes again.

**A sh****o****p inside of town:**  
Everyone stepped through the main doors and they were all faced by a horrific sight.

"What do ya want?" a really ugly toothless old man asked from the counter.

"Er... do you have any swords?" Harry asked.

"You can't buy swords, idiot," Craig muttered, looking too smug for his own good.

The really ugly toothless old man went over to the side of the shop, and he picked up a sword. He went over to the counter again. The group went over to the counter.

"That's a sword? I always thought they were called big knives," Craig said.

"Bloody 'ell, your breath stinks, here take a whole roll of fresh mints. Please!" the really ugly toothless old man said. He took a packet of mints from his pocket and he handed them over to Craig.

"Oh he can't have them, his mummy told him not to take sweets from strangers," Lisa said.

Craig put the breath mints in his pocket. "Hey wait a minute, if you have no teeth, why do you have mints?"

"Oh," the really ugly toothless old man said. He picked up a remote control, he pressed a button. The guy instantly got a full load of teeth in his mouth. "I keep swallowing my teeth, thanks for telling me I'd run out."

"Well we'd better be off to pick a few fights, put the sword in your pocket or something Craig," Harry said.

"My pocket's not that big," Craig moaned.

"Just put it in your pants, the main Monkey Island character puts loads of stuff in his pants," Lisa said with an evil glint in her eye.

Craig looked nervous, "ok then." He tried to put the sword in his pocket, but it ripped his pocket and, well let me just say it went in the wrong place. Craig looked like he was going to cry as he pulled it back out of the pocket.

"What's his problem?" Nikki asked. Lisa whispered something in her ear. Nikki brought out a PADD. "Let me take a note of that. Men favour their private parts, so kick them there whenever they annoy you."

All the guys turned to Lisa with annoyed looks on their faces. "Hey, all girls should know that fact," Lisa said.

End of Part I

* * *

Part II

**In the middle of nowhere:**  
Craig put a mint in his mouth as the gang walked along a repetitive path. "Ooh, that's refreshing!" Craig suddenly blurted out. Everyone stopped and stared at him oddly. "I don't know why I said that," he muttered.

A really ugly but tough looking guy in a pirate's outfit came up to the gang.

"Stopping a pirate is dangerous to yer health," the pirate said.

The gang glanced around at each other. "Er, we didn't stop you," Harry said.

"Shut up, don't make me say anymore lines.. it's not part of my programming," the pirate said.

"Go on Craig, just challenge him," Harry whispered.

"But.. what do I do?" Craig asked.

"Just insult him while you fight, that might work," Harry whispered in response.

"Er... I'm Craig, prepare to die," Craig said nervously.

The pirate screamed like a sissy, and he ran back the way he came.

"Will you stop saying that line, it scares everyone away!" Lisa snapped.

"It's not my fault they're wusses, I thought this one looked tougher than the others," Craig muttered.

"I thought he looked just like all the other pirates, just with different hair styles and clothes," Nikki said.

"Oh screw this, lets just find that swords master," Harry said angrily, he stormed down the path. The others quickly followed.

"But don't we have to convince the really ugly toothless old man to ask her if we can see her, then follow him to find her?" Lisa asked.

"Oh come on, all you do is wander the forest and you can find her on your own, that's what Marill does," Harry said.

**A FEW ****MORE ****HOURS PASS:**  
The group were once again in the forest, nearby a large chasm, looking rather lost.

"Well we're screwed. We really should of done what all the usual walkthroughs tell you to do instead of what a crazy Pokémon obsessed lunatic does," Lisa said.

Right on cue the really ugly toothless old man walked past them. He turned around and flashed a torch in their eyes. Then he quickly pushed a nearby sign, a small tree trunk fell over the chasm. He walked across it. Then another guy came onto the scene, he had messy blonde hair, old fashioned white top, and short black pants.

"Hi, I'm Guybrush Threepwood.. I want to be a pirate," the guy said.

"Hey isn't that the name of the guy that got killed recently this season?" Craig asked.

"Oops, forget that happened," Marill's voice said.

Guybrush disappeared, as he did a flash of light went around the area.

"Haha, now you wont remember a thing," Raichu's voice laughed.

"We remember all right, idiots," Harry muttered.

"Damn it, we'll have to think of a plan B," Raichu's voice said.

"I think we should have and use a plan B first," Marill's voice said.

Meanwhile the really ugly toothless old man was talking to a young dark woman with green clothes on.

"How you doin'?" the really ugly toothless old man asked.

The dark woman snorted in disgust. "Don't you ever leave me alone? Now get lost or I'll sue you for harassment."

"Where are you going to do that, this island has no law offices," the really ugly toothless old man asked.

"Oh get lost old man, you are way over my age restriction. I only date 18 to 30's," the dark woman said.

The really ugly toothless old man grunted, he walked out of sight.

"So, what do we do now?" Craig asked.

"Go up and challenge her to a sword fighting match," Harry replied.

"But..." Craig muttered.

"Go on, you mighty pirate," Lisa said, and she sniggered. Harry and Evil C joined in.

Craig swallowed hard, he went towards the dark woman. The others followed only half way.

"How dare you approach the Swords Master without permission, which I certainly didn't do," the dark woman said.

"Er... I'm selling these fine leather jackets," Craig stuttered.

Lisa slapped her forehead. "Oh Craig! Stop being a wuss."

"Really? Do you have any in size four?" the Swords Master asked.

"Er... yeah," Craig replied nervously.

"You're not really a jacket salesman, are you? You're here to show off for those stupid pirates in the pub," the Swords Master said.

"Um, no I'm not," Craig muttered.

"I must admit, you're the most cowardly one I've had sent to me. This should be quick," the Swords Master said. She pulled out a sword.

Craig glanced back at Harry who was carrying the sword. He threw it towards him, it landed point down near his foot. Craig picked it up.

"Have you done this before?" the Swords Master asked.

"Er, of course I have," Craig lied.

"I'm not fighting with you until you train and practise with pirates, I don't have time for amateurs," the Swords Master said.

"How come, all you do is dance around outside your house," Nikki said.

The Swords Master looked nervous. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh screw this," Harry groaned, he pulled his phaser out and he shot the Swords Master. Everyone glanced at Harry with Pokémon Sweatdrops(TM) at the side of their heads. "Just take something from her, it'll prove you killed her."

"I'm not suppose to kill her, I'm only suppose to beat her with lots of insults," Craig said nervously.

"Oh come on, Craig, someone with a sign saying 'I'm an Extra, kill me off' on her back is suppose to be killed," Harry said.

"She doesn't have a sign on her back," Nikki said.

"I meant metaphorically," Harry muttered.

Nikki knelt down beside the Swords Master, she had a rolled up t-shirt in her jacket. She took it, and looked at it. It said 'I beat the Swords Master'.

"Hey cool, another t-shirt in my size!"

"I didn't think pirates around here were so small," Evil C said.

"Come on, lets go before we get caught," Harry said. The group headed back the way they came. Not long afterwards a pack of wolf looking creatures ran upto the Swords Master and started fighting over her body.

**The town centre:**  
"So all I need to do now is steal a treasure. But from where," Craig said to himself.

"Why don't you try a really posh looking place, they'll have some decent stuff to steal there," Nikki said.

"Lets get this over with, we really need to get to the decent storyline," Harry groaned.

"Wait a minute, where in this town is there a really posh looking place?" Craig asked.

**Outside the mayor's manor:**  
The group were standing not far from the gates of the manor.

"You must be crazy, a place like this'll be guarded heavily," Lisa said as the group went through the gates. Just outside the manor were some poodles tied to a post. Everyone did the sweatdrop thing again.

"Is that it? God what a jip," Evil C muttered.

The poodles spotted the group, they literally changed into very scary German Shepards.

"Ok I know how we can get past these, all we do is spike some meat and then.." Craig said. Harry pulled his phaser out and shot all the dogs. "Or we could do that."

**IMPORTANT NOTICE: These dogs are not dead, they are only SLEEPING! No animals were harmed during the writing of this episode**

"Errr... the phaser was on kill," Harry muttered.

**Sh****ut up, I only say what I'm told to say, murderer**

"Errr.. oookay?" Harry muttered.

**Don't oookay me, mister**

"Ok kids, stop fighting," Lisa said.

**He started it**

"Did not, you Times New Roman guy or girl," Harry said.

**Did too**

"Oh for god's sake, lets just leave him," Craig said. He, Lisa, Nikki and Evil C headed into the manor.

**IMPORTANT NOTICE: Harry Kim is now officially a red-shirted ensign**

"Hey! That's going too far!" Harry yelled.

Suddenly the pack of wolves that were with the Swords Master earlier appeared, they started chasing Harry. He shot them too.

"That's it, I quit. I'm going to the pub," Harry muttered. He headed back into town.

**Meanwhile inside the manor:**  
Craig, Nikki, Evil C and Lisa hid behind a door as someone came into the manor, it was the sheriff. He went into a large cupboard filled with lots of junk.

"Hey, maybe there's some valuables in there," Craig said.

"Somehow I doubt it," Lisa said.

Craig ignored her, he followed the sheriff into the cupboard.

"Does he have a death wish?" Evil C asked.

"Probably," Nikki replied.

**Er... B****A****M, BIFF, ****BAFF**

"Baff?" everyone said in unison.

**Shut up, or you'll be red-shirts too**

"No! Not the red button!" the sheriff yelled.

**KABOOM!**

"Aaaarrrgghh! Gophers!" Craig screamed, like a girl that is.

Lisa shook her head. "Wuss."

Evil C looked around, he spotted a really fancy looking statue. He went over to pick it up. "Do you think this'll be good enough for those dumb pirates?"

"Hell yeah," Lisa said. She headed towards the door, so did Evil C.

"Wait, what about Craig?" Nikki asked.

Lisa and Evil C stopped. "Oh yeah, of course," Lisa laughed nervously.

Right on cue Craig smashed through a wall, he landed on his head. He got up straight away.

"Er, Craig... we have.." Lisa said.

"No time to talk," Craig said. He picked up a book from a bookcase, and he jumped back through the hole in the wall.

"He's nuts," Evil C said.

"You just noticed?" Lisa said in disbelief.

"Oooh, a book... what are you going to do with that sonny boy?" the sheriff's voice asked.

"Wait and see," Craig's voice said.

Lisa, Nikki and Evil C heard what sounded like a paper shredder.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Pretty colours!" the sheriff's voice squealed.

"Heh heh, sucker," Craig's voice sniggered.

A few minutes later Craig came out of the cupboard through the door. "I'll need a file to get into a glass container. It has this really pretty necklace inside."

"Why don't you just use this statue?" Evil C asked as he held up the statue he picked up.

"But that would mean that you stole it," Craig moaned.

"How would the pirates know?" Lisa groaned.

Evil C and Nikki went outside. "Not the point, Lis."

"I don't give a fing toss! We've wasted most of this episode on your little quest, we really outta get on with a more decent storyline!" Lisa yelled.

"Like what? No other interesting storyline has popped up, has it?" Craig asked.

The sheriff came out of the cupboard with bits of coloured paper all over him. He started staring at Lisa.

"What are you looking at?" Lisa grumbled.

"A hot chick," the sheriff said.

"Ugh, you're not my type," Lisa grumbled.

"Er.. Lisa, you've dated nearly every man on our ship. I thought your type was men," Craig said. Lisa smacked him.

"We'd better be off, since we didn't steal anything you've got to let us go," Lisa said.

"You attempted to steal something," the sheriff said.

"Yeah he did, I'm outta here," Lisa muttered. She went outside too.

Craig smiled nervously. "Those pirates in the pub made me do all that, no hard feelings huh?"

**Ten minutes later, the bridge:**  
Craig woke up with a rather nasty headache, and a stone tied to his ankle. The sheriff was standing in front of him, with his arms crossed. Craig pulled himself to his feet.

"This is the end of the line, pretty boy. My plans for Lisa Lillis are too important and much near completion to have it all messed up by the likes of you," the sheriff said.

"Erm, firstly how do you know Lisa's name? Secondly what do you have planned for her?" Craig asked.

"Shut up! If I told you it would spoil the rest of the episode," the sheriff replied.

"It's mostly half way through already," Craig said.

"Oh forget it. So long Pansy Anderson," the sheriff said. He tried to push the stone, but it wouldn't budge. "Come on, damn gravity!"

"Do you need a hand?" Craig asked.

"Yeah, that would be handy.. hahaha," the sheriff laughed.

Craig groaned, he pushed the rock into the water. He fell in afterwards.

"Bwahahahaha, I'm so evil," the sheriff laughed. He headed into town, but he tripped over his own feet and landed on his face.

**Thirty seconds later:**  
Craig climbed out of the water holding the rock. He threw it onto the bridge and he climbed up. Nikki arrived on the scene.

"Nikki? What are you doing here? Come to finish the job?" Craig asked.

"Nah, I came down here to save you," Nikki replied.

"You did? I thought you didn't like me," Craig said.

"Well we haven't really said anything to each other before, just like all the other guys on the ship," Nikki said.

"But I'm not like all the guys on the ship. All of them have or had a girlfriend. But me, the only girl I went out just started dating me just to make her mum angry. I'm just a drifter, a loser, who would of cared if I'd let myself drown," Craig said.

"I would of, Craig," Nikki said.

Craig started to head in the opposite direction to her, then some cheesy romantic music started when he stopped.

**Puke bags on Stand-By! Puke bags on Stand-By! Puke bags on Stand-By!**

"Oh Young," Craig said.

"Oh Anderson," Nikki said as she stepped forward.

Craig turned around and stepped forward. "Oh Nichola."

Nikki stepped forward again, "oh Craig."

Craig stepped forward again too, "Honey Muffin."

Nikki stepped closer to him, "Snugglepuss."

Craig stepped closer to her, "Smoochums."

Nikki stepped closer so they were only a few centimetres apart, "Sugar Bunny."

"Kiss me," Craig said, just then angry Aquarius shippers throw everything in reach at the computer screen.

"Ok then," Nikki said a little too cheerfully.

Craig's eyes widened, the cheesy music cut off. "What the hell just happened!?"

"I dunno," Nikki replied.

"Forget all that, please," Craig moaned.

"But why, I thought that you liked me," Nikki said.

"You don't like me, do you?" Craig asked.

"Yep," Nikki replied.

"Oh crap. I'm sorry, I only love Lena," Craig said.

"Fine, break my heart you bard," Nikki said, with no anger in her voice at all. She pushed Craig back into the water again, then headed into town. A few seconds later Craig resurfaced, and he climbed back out of the water. He heard what sounded like a ship flying low nearby.

Craig looked behind him and he saw a creepy looking ship flying in his direction. It raised, flew above him, and then it flew into the sky. Harry and Evil C rushed over to Craig.

"Where the hell have you guys been?" Craig asked.

"The pub," Harry and Evil C said in unison.

"Have you seen Nikki anywhere, she left the pub when we weren't looking?" Harry asked.

The so called blind guy from earlier in the episode came over to the guys. "What are you fools hanging around here for, those two girls you were with have been kidnapped!"

"What? By who?" Evil C asked.

"Captain Buck, I saw him dragging the dark haired one in his ship earlier. The blonde one just got dragged in before the ship took off. One second he was the sheriff, the next he was the Captain. He'll be heading for his hideout on Malain," the so called blind guy replied.

"Why didn't I recognise him?" Harry asked.

"I did, I just didn't know who he was," Craig replied.

"Wait a minute, you saw all that? Plus you knew what Craig looked like earlier. How can you if you're blind?" Evil C asked.

"Oh papapishu!" the so called blind guy exclaimed before jumping into the water.

"I guess we'll never find out," Craig muttered.

"So what do we do now?" Evil C asked.

"Well surely Voyager or the Enterprise will stop that ship if we warn them about it," Harry said. He tapped his commbadge. "Kim to Voyager?" He got the engaged tone. "Huh, that's odd. Kim to Enterprise."

In: "Henderson here, what do you want Harry?"

"Tani? How on earth did you get command of that ship?" Harry asked.

In: "Lena's a bit hyper, she left me in charge when she and James went to Voyager to do something nice to Janeway. I get the feeling she meant the opposite of what she said."

"Can you put a tractor beam or something on a small ship that's coming up from the planet. They've kidnapped Lisa and Nikki," Harry said.

In: "Okeydokey."

In: "Ooops too late, it's gone."

Harry started to get pied off. "Then go after it!"

In: "But that would mean quitting from my game of Monkey Island."

In: "Tom, that was the wrong bloody insult line!"

"Fine, beam us to the flyer and we'll go after them ourselves," Harry said.

In: "Er, we can't contact Voyager. It's engaged."

In: "Aaaw, it's engaged. Who's it engaged too?"

In: "Shut up, Tom."

In: "Both of you shut up. Anyway, Anderson here."

"Hi sis," Craig said cheerfully. Evil C and Harry rolled their eyes.

In: "According to the scanners there's a place where you can purchase shuttles on rent."

"Wow the scanners knew that you could purchase them," Evil C said.

In: "Actually no, she just got that off the Monkey Island Walkthrough. You gotta go to Stan's place, yeh you gotta go to Stan's place. Haha, good luck."

In: "Shut up, Tom!"

Harry rolled his eyes as he tapped his commbadge. "Stan's? Somehow I doubt the shuttle salesman is called Stan just like the character."

**Ten minutes later:**  
"Howdy, welcome to Stan's Previously Owned Shuttlecrashes, er I mean Shuttlecrafts. I'm Stan, and my job is to make you happy and..." A tall guy, with stupid clothes on and a stupid big hat on, blabbered as he waved his arms around.

"If you want us to be happy then shut up," Harry said.

Stan didn't hear him, he was still talking. "we've got small shuttles, large shuttles, fast shuttles, slow shuttles, extra crashing shuttles, blowing up shuttles, plot developing shuttles, malfunctioning shuttles, timeloop shuttles, you name it. I got them all, if I ain't got them all, I'll get them all. So what kind of craft are you looking for today?"

"Preferably a shuttle that doesn't crash," Harry replied.

"Error: Cannot understand previous sentence. Self Destructing in five, four, three, two, one..." Stan said in a computer voice. Then he exploded.

An arm landed on Craig's shoulder so he jumped a mile. Evil C just laughed.

"Well done Harry, that's another thing you've killed in this episode," Evil C said.

"Oh well, we'll just steal one of the shuttles," Harry said, ignoring the last comment.

**PART III: Four More Annoyances; The writers get even more hyper, Janeway's new hairstyle, a typical shuttle trip, and a threesome**

**Voyager, the Bridge:**  
Kathryn was constantly gasping in horror, finally she fell unconscious. Everyone else on the Bridge were struggling to keep a straight face. On the viewscreen was another Kathryn with very short blonde hair... and I mean short.

"I'm Captain Janeway of a Voyager that's from half an hour in the future. I've come to prevent my past self from letting Lena do up her hair," Kathryn2 said.

Kathryn regained consciousness, she tried to get her cool back. Right on cue Lena and James came onto the Bridge, they didn't look at the viewscreen.

"Ok mum, it's time for your haircut!" Lena announced as she held up a pair of scissors. She looked a little too hyper to be sober, James looked sober, but he had an evil grin on his face. Kathryn fainted again.

Chakotay went over to Lena and James. "I think you should do a better job than the Janeway on the viewscreen." Lena and James looked puzzled, well until they looked at the viewscreen, after that they fell into a fit of giggles.

"I don't think I can beat that I'm sorry," Lena eventually managed to say.

"I think I can though," James said. Just when he said that Kathryn had regained consciousness again, but she fainted straight away.

"No, I've come to prevent a bad hairstyle, not cause a much worse one!" Kathryn2 whined. The viewscreen changed to show another Voyager going into a wibbly wobbly swirly thing.

"I think you'd better get started," Lena giggled.

Duncan stepped out from behind James. "Can I help?" Yes you've guessed it, Kathryn regained consciousness and immediately fainted again.

**After three toilet breaks, and one stop at a space stations McDonalds, the guy's shuttlecraft finally arrive in orbit of Malain.**

"Would you shut the hell up!" Harry yelled.

**Don't tell me what to do, jerk**

"Would you stop picking fights with the narrator," Craig said.

"Make me," Harry said.

"Er.. guys?" Evil C said nervously.

"What?" Craig and Harry said in unison.

"That Tolg ship is in orbit, it hasn't detected us," Evil C said.

"Good, we can board the ship, get Nikki and Lisa back, and maybe have time for a pint back at Melly," Harry said.

"Yeah good idea," Craig said.

"Someone should stay behind to guard the shuttle," Evil C said.

"I vote Craig," Evil C and Harry said at the same time.

"Oh... no fair," Craig moaned.

"It is safer on the shuttle," Harry said.

"Oh yeah, you guys have fun," Craig said.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Harry whispered to Evil C.

"Yep, a shuttle in orbit of a planet, he's a goner," Evil C whispered to Harry.

**The T****o****lg ship:**  
Harry and Evil C were going down a corridor, they reached the prison. Inside were three doors, one was unlocked. Harry and Evil C didn't bother looking there, so they went straight over to the locked ones.

"So, any ideas?" Harry asked.

"Well if we had chain-saws we could hack the doors open," Evil C replied.

"We haven't got chain-saws," Harry muttered.

"I know," Evil C said.

"Did someone say chain-saws, cool!" a familiar voice said from the open door. Evil C and Harry's eyes widened, they slowly looked inside the open door. They both gaped in shock when they did.

"Hi guys! Do you have any Cherry Coke on you, I'm thirsty," Emma asked.

"Emma? But... but... you're dead," Harry stuttered.

"I know, I was, it was so cool. I woke up on this ship, some guy told me I was dead but they brought me back. They told me I'd be useful to them," Emma said.

"Useful, how?" Evil C asked.

"I have a nack for scaring people, so they say anyway. I keep getting weapons and stuff," Emma replied.

"Well if you're useful, why are you in a prison?" Harry asked.

"I'm not, I was bored," Emma replied.

"Next question, why did they just revive you.. I mean Tuvok's body was sent out at the same time," Harry asked.

"Was he, eeeeeeew! So glad they didn't bring him back, he smelled. He'd probably bore these guys to death with his logic speeches," Emma replied.

"Okay, never mind. Do you know where the key is to the other doors?" Harry asked.

"Do I hell, why do you want to know?" Emma asked.

"Lisa and Nikki are in there," Evil C replied.

"No they're not. I saw them with the Captain guy. They're getting ready for a wedding," Emma said.

"What!?" Evil C and Harry said in unison.

"Yeah, one of them is being forced into it, the other is the bridesmaid," Emma said.

Some ex-Tolg drones burst into the room. "There's the intruders, Emma kill them!" one yelled.

"No, they're my friends.. so.." Emma said and she stuck her tongue out.

Harry tapped his commbadge. "Kim to Anderson, three to beam up."

In: "Three?"

"Just do it," Harry said. The three of them dematerilised.

**The shuttle:**  
"Woah, Emma?" Craig said in disbelief.

"Yeah, hi Craig," Emma said cheerfully.

"The ship is heading out of orbit," Harry said.

"Where's it going?" Evil C asked.

"We'll soon see, Craig follow it," Harry replied.

**After all that the Tolg ship and the shuttle ended up back at Melly, and I just have to say one thing. Why wasn't I invited to the wedding for crying out loud!**

"Oh shut up you arse hole!" Harry yelled.

**The shuttle crash lands in the sea. SPLASH!**

"Harry.. did you have to..." Craig moaned.

"Oh come on, that comment it made wasn't funny," Harry said.

**It wasn't meant to be funny**

"God it's serious? It wants to go to the wedding," Harry sniggered.

**The shuttle started to leak, the crew only have a few seconds to escape or they'll drown**

"Ha, I win... beam us out," Harry said. Craig shook his head, he pressed a few buttons. Everyone beamed out.

Everyone dematerilised on the bridge.

"We'd better get to the church, and fast," Harry said. The others nodded, they all headed towards the church. But Emma stopped outside the pub. Harry, Evil C and Craig came back to drag her away. She got out of their grips and ran into the pub. She came back out a few seconds later already drunk as a mule, also she was holding a bottle of vodka.

"Can we go to the church now?" Harry asked.

"Harry, you're cute," Emma giggled, then she hiccuped.

Harry groaned. "I take that as a yes then."

**The church:**  
The group arrived in the church. Loads of ex-Tolg people were in the seats watching the service. Captain Buck, the bride and the bridesmaid were standing in front of an ex-Tolg vicar.

"If by any reason someone objects to these people being wed, speak now or tough st," the vicar said.

"I WANT SOME BEER!" Emma yelled.

"Is that an objection, I can't tell?" the vicar asked.

Harry, Evil C and Craig went down to where Captain Buck was, Evil C dragged Emma with him.

"What do you want?" Captain Buck asked.

"We've come to stop the wedding, and maybe steal some of the wedding snacks," Craig replied.

"You have some nerve doing this, I shall kill all of you," Captain Buck said.

"You can't do that," Harry said.

"And why not?" Captain Buck asked.

"Because we just saved you from marrying the wrong thing. If this is like the game Lisa has swapped herself with two monkeys," Craig said.

The bride turned around, she looked rather peeved. "Do I look like a monkey to you!" Nikki growled.

The bridesmaid turned around. "Thanks guys, you really screwed it all up," Lisa moaned.

"But.. what about Nikki. Why does she have to go through the agony of marrying that ugly freak instead of you?" Craig asked.

"Oh gods, I'm ugly!" Captain Buck shrieked, he pulled a mirror out and shrieked again.

"It was my idea, Craig. You broke my heart, so it doesn't matter who I marry," Nikki said.

Evil C, Lisa and Harry started sniggering. Emma found the drinks table with all the alcohol on, she started drinking one of the bottles.

"Now for making me realise that I'm ugly, I will kill all of you... bwahahahahaha!" Captain Buck laughed. His right arm started spinning like in one of those silly cartoons.

"Oh for fing sake, stupid lid!" Emma moaned as she tried to pull the lid off a bottle of beer. Suddenly it popped off, and beer went shooting towards Captain Buck, some went in his mouth. He stopped spinning his fist, he started choking and shaking. He screamed and then collapsed. One Tolg knelt down beside him.

"Oh my, he's dead... again!" the Tolg guy gasped. Everyone but Emma gasped as well, she was happily drinking her beer.

"But how?" Harry asked.

"He must of been allergic to the barley in the beer," the Tolg guy said.

"I think this deserves a celebration, who agrees?" Craig asked. Everyone, including the Tolg people, cheered. Craig, Lisa, Evil C and Harry rushed over to the alcohol to get a much needed drink. Just then Harry's commbadge chirped so they all had to stop.

In: "Chakotay to Kim, get ready to return to the ship."

"No fair!" Lisa whined.

"Oh well, we can get a drink on the ship," Craig said.

"True, true," Harry said.

All of the group but Harry dematerilised. Harry looked around confused.

**Haha, revenge at last... get em boys!**

All the Tolg's put down their drinks and ganged up on Harry.

"I'll get you back someday," Harry said just before he disappeared from view.

**Voyager, the Ready Room:**  
Kathryn woke up in her chair. She looked around, no one was there. She thought, "it was just a dream."

She got up to go to the replicator to order a coffee. She sat herself down on the sofa. A small mirror was on the table, something called out to her to pick it up so she did. She screamed and fainted once again. Her hair only went down to her chin, her hair was blonde with pink strands. Also she had somehow gained a fringe, that was dyed red.

**The Mess Hall:**  
The rest of Kathryn's family, and the ex/future in-laws were all at one table, most were laughing fiendishly.

"Nice work guys, very nice work," Chakotay said.

"Thanks, the pink was Duncan's idea," James said. Duncan grinned.

"I think she suits it don't you," Kiara said.

"Huh? Suits what?" Jessie asked in a clueless tone of voice. Yes she was fiddling with her hair and staring into space earlier.

"Jessie, what's up with you today?" James asked.

"Er... nothing," Jessie said innocently.

Everyone stared at her, she cracked. "Ok, ok, I was trying to act dumb because I forgot what the date was. It's not my fault, I was dead just a few weeks ago for crying out loud!"

"Huh? The date?" James said in a clueless voice. Then it suddenly hit him... well actually Lena hit him just for the sake of it. "Aaaarrgghh, it's my birthday today!" Everyone fell off their chairs.

"How can you forget?" Lena asked.

"Yeah, I bet Janeway didn't. This is the worst day of the year for her, yet you've made it worse by mucking up her hair," Chakotay said.

"Hey, what's that suppose to mean!" James snapped.

"It means that 2nd July is the worst day of the year for her cos she had you on the same day twenty nine years ago," Lena sniggered.

"I knew what he meant," James muttered.

"Hehe, you're twenty nine.. you're old," Yasmin giggled.

"Well at least I don't look ten years older than I am," James said.

"Hey, that's mean!" Yasmin cried, she folded her arms in a huff.

"Yeah, that was really mean.. it hurt me too," Kiara sobbed. She burst out crying.

Lena giggled, "you made me daughter cry.. good one."

"Can we please finish the episode before the writers drink anymore Cherry Coke and orange juice," Chakotay moaned.

"We need a good way to finish the episode," Lena said.

"I know, why don't we all get drunk at a birthday party," Jessie suggested.

"We can't," James said.

"Why not?" Jessie asked.

"Emma drank all the alcohol," James replied as he pointed towards Emma. She was lying unconscious in the middle of hundreds of liquor bottles.

"Damn," Jessie said.

"We should finish the episode the way Monkey Island 1 did," Lena said.

"What kind of story was Monkey Island? It sounds kinda crap," Chakotay asked.

"I dunno, but I know it inspired a really good movie," Lena replied.

"It did, which one?" James asked.

Lena had to think for once in the episode, "er... Pokémon the First Movie!" Suddenly Faye jumped onto the nearby stage and started to sing a song her actress sings on the Pokémon album. Everyone started dancing, including Kiara.

"Repeat after me I need a vacation, yeah!" Faye sang.

**THE END, I think... oh who cares nothing interesting happens. Harry went on a killing spree, the Enterprise knocked an innocent freighter out of the way, and Voyager's left warp drive fell off, that's about it. Now go and do something more constructive. Like make a Seven hate site, or tidy up your room. Or maybe you could do all those dirty dishes that have been rotting away. Or why don't you... Internet Explorer has caused an Illegal Operation, an FBI van is coming over to your house to arrest you. Have a nice day!**

**Were the writers on more than Cherry Coke and orange juice during writing? Why did Lena suggest that Pokémon the First Movie was inspired by Monkey Island 1? How did James forget his birthday? Do you think the sequels to this episode will be even more insane (or crapper) than this one? And will Janeway fix her hair just in time for the next episode?**  
**Find out the answers to just one of these questions in the next installment of Fifth Voyager!**

**THE END**


End file.
